Appropriate Levels of Self Disclosure Between You and Your Fiance

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Appropriate levels of self disclosure between you and your fiancé

 

Self disclosure means how much you reveal about yourself to others – in this case, how much you reveal about yourself to your fiancé. Self disclosure can be used as a yardstick to measure relationship development – it’s about how much you know about each other from each other’s disclosure to each other. From The Horse’s Mouth

 

Self disclosure often involves personal secrets or personal preferences being told to another person in the relationship. The appropriate level of self disclosure is very much subjective. It’s influenced by factors like intimacy, trust and how long the people have been in a relationship. Also taken into consideration is the person in the relationship’s likes and dislikes which makes the other person reveal or withhold a self disclosure for the sake of the relationship.

 

  1. Trust

 

For effective self disclosure, trust is must. Everyone has a past and stuff that they don’t want to tell anyone. But, if the past has potential to jeopardize your romantic relationship, then disclosing it to your fiancé is essential. Your fiancé rather hears it from you than a third party. For example, if you go out for lunch with a colleague of the opposite sex, tell your fiancé about it. Don’t plant a needless seed of suspicion by keeping mum.

 

  1. Intimacy

 

Many women don’t tell their partner that they don’t like how their partners handle them during sex. Whether it’s painful sex or not reaching orgasm, women generally prefer to keep mum and suffer and swallow it in silence. This will lead to an unfulfilling romantic and intimate relationship. If you don’t do self disclosure on your intimate preferences at your partner, no one will do it for you. Also self disclosure on reproductive health is paramount especially if you plan to have kids soon after marriage. It’s best to conduct blood tests to rule out STDs. Also, reproductive afflictions like irregular menstruation or ED should be self disclosed so that the necessary medical steps can be embarked on.

 

  1. Time factor in the romantic relationship

 

The longer you’ve been in a romantic relationship, the more self disclosure would have been done. That’s the logic isn’t it? No. I’ve seen couples years in relationship but hiding many aspects in their lives – especially abuse and medical conditions. This won’t do at all. Many people have nightmares due to post traumatic stress and medical conditions like fits and asthma. Self disclosure on these things is imperative. In cases of emergency after marriage, your fiancé won’t be off guard when the medical conditions manifest and attack.

 

  1. Maturity

 

Okay, this is pretty subjective. With age and maturity taking hold, you will be able to decide how much self disclosure is too little and how much self disclosure is too much. Also, which type of self disclosure is worth disclosing and what can be skipped can be gauged by maturity. As you mature, you’ll be able to deal with insecurities and can engage in effective self disclosure with clarity so that it won’t be misunderstood.

 

There’s virtually no a set standard on the appropriate levels on self disclosure. It’s completely up to you to engage in self disclosures at each other, abiding by the factors aforementioned and more which you will see as you go along the progression of your engagement into your marriage.

 

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RESOLVING CONFLICT IN A MARRIAGE

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RESOLVING CONFLICT IN A MARRIAGE

Нарру mаrrіаgеs аrе bаsеd оn а dеер frіеndshір… а mutuаl rеsресt fоr оnе аnоthеr, аnd аn еnјоуmеnt оf оnе аnоthеr’s соmраnу. Тhіs dеер frіеndshір dоеs nоt рrеvеnt аrgumеnts; іnstеаd іt gіvеs соuрlеs а “sесrеt wеароn” thаt hеlрs thоsе аrgumеnts nоt gеt оut оf hаnd.

Whеn соuрlеs hаvе nоt bееn аblе tо buіld thіs frіеndshір, thеу mау fіnd thеmsеlvеs еndlеsslу fіghtіng thе sаmе аrgumеnts оvеr аnd оvеr аgаіn. Моst аrgumеnts аrе nоt аbоut thе іssuе аrguеd аbоut, but іnstеаd аrе mоrе аbоut а dеер frustrаtіоn оr lоnеlіnеss іn thе mаrrіаgе. Іntеrеstіnglу еnоugh, mоst соnflісts аrоund sехuаl іntіmасу соuld bе sоlvеd bу fосusіng оn buіldіng thе frіеndshір іn thе mаrrіаgе fіrst.

Іt mіght bе hеlрful tо knоw thаt соuрlеs hаvе dіffеrеnt stуlеs оf соnflісt. Νо оnе stуlе іs dееmеd bеttеr thаn аnоthеr. Whаt dоеs mаttеr іs thаt thе stуlе wоrk fоr bоth реорlе. Аnоthеr surрrіsіng fасt іs thаt mоst mаrіtаl аrgumеnts саnnоt bе rеsоlvеd, whеn thе fосus іs оn сhаngіng thе оthеr реrsоn. Іt sіmрlу саn’t bе dоnе. Соuрlеs wоuld fаrе muсh bеttеr tо wоrk оn buіldіng thе frіеndshір іn thе mаrrіаgе аnd оut оf thіs сlоsеnеss, wоrk tоwаrd соmіng uр wіth sоlutіоns thаt аrе gооd fоr bоth реорlе.

Whеn brіngіng uр а рrоblеm, stаrt оut sоftlу rаthеr thаn hаrshlу. Rеsеаrсh hаs shоwn thаt mоst оf thе tіmе іf аn аrgumеnt stаrts hаrshlу, іt іs dооmеd tо fаіlurе. Іf уоu саn’t brіng uр уоur соnсеrn іn а саlm mаnnеr, tаkе а brеаth, slоw dоwn, аnd trу аgаіn lаtеr.

eWhеn уоu shаrе уоur соnсеrn, shаrе а соmрlаіnt, nоt а сrіtісіsm. А соmрlаіnt shаrеs аbоut а sресіfіс асtіоn уоur sроusе dіd оr dіdn’t dо thаt іs dіstrеssіng. А сrіtісіsm іs mоrе hurtful іn thаt іt аdds nеgаtіvе wоrds аbоut уоur mаtе’s реrsоnаlіtу, сhаrасtеr, оr mоtіvеs. Fоr ехаmрlе, а соmрlаіnt wоuld bе: “І’m uрsеt thаt уоu dіdn’t tаkе оut thе trаsh lіkе уоu sаіd.” А сrіtісіsm wоuld bе: “Yоu аrе sо lаzу. Аll уоu саrе аbоut іs уоursеlf. Аrе уоu еvеr gоіng tо tаkе оut thе trаsh?” Тhіs аррrоасh іs іnsultіng, аnd іt wіll bе nоrmаl fоr уоur sроusе tо bесоmе dеfеnsіvе, rаthеr thаn hеаrіng аnd аddrеssіng уоur соnсеrn. Тhіs аррrоасh wіll nоt gеt уоu thе rеsult уоu аrе wаntіng.

І wіsh уоu wеll іn уоur wоrk tо bеttеr уоur mаrrіаgе. Dоn’t gіvе uр, thе wоrk іs wоrth іt!

 

Single and Dating: Compliments Can Do Wonders

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Working as a relationship coach is a great profession. Most of my clients are married, but I have a number of clients who are single. Most of my single clients always ask about courtship and dating.  In this article I address the importance of compliments, “Yes,” I said compliments.

When you are dating someone, or even in a serious relationship, a well placed compliment will show how much you enjoy being with that special someone. Most women love being complimented, particularly by someone she might be romantically interested in.

Because giving compliments is a good way to show your date that you are paying attention to them you have to know when to use them. Don’t get carried away with the compliments because you do not want to overdo it. You want them to know you are paying attention but you don’t want to come off as needy or desperate. Nothing sends up the desperation flag quicker than a whole slew of cheesy compliments.

You want your compliment to put your date in the right frame of mind. You want them to be accepting of you and who you are. How you compliment should be an extension of who you are, which will help them get to know you better.

Now the question becomes, what do I compliment them on? That depends on you and your date. If you are meeting for the first time find two or three things that you are really attracted to when you first see them. Please be mindful that the attributes that you are attracted to do not have to be physical.  Now don’t just blurt these out, store them away for later on in your date. After you’ve spent a little time with them go ahead and compliment them on whatever you noticed first about them. It is also important that you say it like you mean it.

Let’s turn this around and look at it from the other side. When you go on a date the one thing you are really looking for is a sort of acceptance. And being complimented is something that can make you feel very good about not only yourself but also your date. It also means that the effort you have put forth to impress them has paid off and that can be a very good feeling. That feeling is what you hope to create for the person you are going on the date with.

Remember, a good compliment can be a powerful thing if used right. Use them as needed and be sincere. A well placed compliment can be a great ice breaker and can lead to a truly wonderful date.

How to Re Kindle the Love In Your Marriage

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As a relationship coach I get asked many questions about ways that will rekindle the love in a marriage. The first thing I do is laugh when couples ask this question because it is so common. I would guess that every couple goes through a time when they feel that the love is losing its flare or passion. My wife and I have had conversations regarding this matter on many occasions. It is easy to place your spouse on the back burner when life happens, kids come into the picture, schedules are jam packed, and the job is always competing for treasured time.  In the article I will give a few tips that has helped many couples including my wife and I.

1. Make Known your Concern: As couples when you feel that something is lacking you need to make a decision to act quickly. Be open with your partner and express your concerns about the relationship. Learn how to talk about feelings and emotions on a daily basis. It’s OK to feel this way, but express yourself and move forward.

2. Clear the Air: Sometimes couples do not seem to enjoy the love that is in the air is because they are distant from one another. Unresolved issues, hurts, feelings, or emotions might be lingering in the background. Please do not be afraid to talk about things that might be bothering you.

3.  Schedule Times to Date: Set times in your schedule to have dates with your spouse. My wife and I make sure that we go out on a date every other week without the kids. During that time we may hang out with another couple or just spend time enjoying each other. We cherish and protect that time.

4. Encourage One Another: The little things mean a lot. One way to rekindle the love is to make it a point to tell your spouse how much you care for them and why. Don’t just tell him or her, “I love you, but give a few reasons why you feel that way. Start in the morning and keep it up throughout the day or week.

5.  Be Creative: Throw away routines and dare to be different. This goes for everything not just things of the sexual nature. Be spontaneous and learn how to think outside the box as your communicate and meet the needs of your spouse.

6. Focus on Serving your Spouse: One of the things that I do not do around the house is cook. I am not the best cook and my wife cooks like a world class chef, but every now and then I will make her breakfast in bed or make her a nice lunch.

As I stated earlier all couples hit roadblocks in their relationship. In this article I have listed a few things that has helped hundreds of couples, including myself to rekindle the love in their relationship.

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INTERPERSONAL CONFLICTS MANAGEMENT BETWEEN FIANCES

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If there’s interpersonal relationship and interpersonal communication, interpersonal conflicts are inherent. Put simply, interpersonal conflicts are fights, arguments and disagreements you have with your fiancé. Yes, fights, arguments and disagreements are inevitable in an interpersonal relationship and in intimate relationship. If you’re already up in arms when you are engaged, then think what will happen once you tie the knot! Scary thought isn’t it?

Yet, there are some strategies to manage interpersonal conflicts so that they won’t get the better of your romance and intimacy. Interpersonal conflicts in a relationship cannot be avoided but they are most certainly and definitely can be atoned.

 

  1. Avoid major interpersonal conflicts by taking action earlier on

 

This is the most crucial step that will prevent interpersonal conflicts later on, when you’re finally hitched to each other. Dating is different than living together. When you’re dating and engaged, you only show your best side to your fiancé, hiding the bad side. Once married all the ugly side would emerge and disgust will manifest. Next, major interpersonal conflicts will take your marriage by storm. This can be avoided. Play a game – a brutally honest one. List out what you don’t like about yourself, like your habits, quirks, etc and exchange the list with your partner. Pretty much like what Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds do in the movie The Proposal. Pay surprise visits to each other’s place and check out each other’s room and washroom. After all, you’re going to share the same room and bathroom soon anyway. This way, you’ll be less shell shocked on each other’s ugly side after marriage or there will be time for you and your fiancé to change the unsavory ways and major interpersonal conflicts can be avoided.

 

  1. Don’t keep your dissatisfaction at your fiancé to yourself

 

If you have a grievance or a gripe about your fiancé, say it out on a face to face basis there and then. Don’t let a conflict ferment as it quickly can fester. Trust me when I say that the best way to sort the conflict out is by face to face communication. The active information exchange and reality vision where non verbal communication nuances can be picked up and interpreted as ‘concern’, ‘pain’, ‘guilt’, etc can help resolve the conflict faster and more efficiently. Come clean, be frank and bona fide. Your fiancé can only change him or her and change their ways if you tell them. It’s not like all of us are blessed with telepathic powers.

 

  1. Choose your battles

 

Don’t make a huge issue of everything – choose your battles. Complaining/lamenting over every tiny thing won’t solve anything and it won’t endear you to each other either. Know that ways of doing things and opinions are as diverse as people and make a conscious decision on which issue is worth addressing and which is not. If you simply pick fights over the tiniest things, your relationship will be compromised. Learn to give and take.

 

  1. Say sorry even if you didn’t do the wrong

 

Apologize. The simple gesture of apologizing would save both of you a lot of energy that can be spent to add quality to your mutual relationship rather than arguing on the basis of ‘winning the argument’. When you apologize even when you are not in the wrong it shows that you value your relationship with your other half more than your ego of being right. It will make a positive impact provided that your gesture is not taken for granted.

 

This is how interpersonal conflicts can be mitigated. With love, care and affection thrown in heaps, an intimate relationship will overcome the odds and bloom.

IS YOUR MARRIAGE MASKING POOR INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION? PART I

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Interpersonal communication means communication between two people. A romantic relationship, in this case, marriage, involves two people and the two people need to communicate if their relationship is to flourish.

There’s a thing called individuality and in a relationship, individuality matters. And where there’s individuality in a romantic relationship interpersonal communication matters. You may have been married for years and be proud that you know your significant other like the back of your hand due to earlier interpersonal communication. But, there’s a factor called change – people change. Your spouse might have changed. And you might have no idea of that change because you think you know your spouse all too well. So, you don’t ask, “What’s new?” or “Do you love me?” or “What would you like for dinner?” to your better half. Your better half might be waiting for you to ask that and when you don’t, that means your marriage is masking poor interpersonal communication on the ironical basis of understanding.

Behavioral science defines this scenario of ‘I know you too well to misunderstand you’ as having an illusion of insight. In the process of knowing someone metaphorically inside out, it creates an illusion of understanding more than actual understanding.

This maybe shocking but it is real and happening. It is making years of solid foundation of marriage crumble like termites slowly eating up an edifice. So, how to unmask poor interpersonal communication in your marriage?

Is your marriage masking poor interpersonal communication?

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Is your marriage masking poor interpersonal communication?

Interpersonal communication means communication between two people. A romantic relationship, in this case, marriage, involves two people and the two people need to communicate if their relationship is to flourish.

There’s a thing called individuality and in a relationship, individuality matters. And where there’s individuality in a romantic relationship interpersonal communication matters. You may have been married for years and be proud that you know your significant other like the back of your hand due to earlier interpersonal communication. But, there’s a factor called change – people change. Your spouse might have changed. And you might have no idea of that change because you think you know your spouse all too well. So, you don’t ask, “What’s new?” or “Do you love me?” or “What would you like for dinner?” to your better half. Your better half might be waiting for you to ask that and when you don’t, that means your marriage is masking poor interpersonal communication on the ironical basis of understanding.

Behavioral science defines this scenario of ‘I know you too well to misunderstand you’ as having an illusion of insight. In the process of knowing someone metaphorically inside out, it creates an illusion of understanding more than actual understanding.

This maybe shocking but it is real and happening. It is making years of solid foundation of marriage crumble like termites slowly eating up an edifice. So, how to unmask poor interpersonal communication in your marriage?

  1. Observe

If you detect a difference in mood, or walking gait, disinterest in sex or if your spouse picks at his/her favorite food or any anomaly or them not being their usual self, observe their mannerisms. See if they form a pattern and whether it’s constant. These changes can denote illnesses, stress, infidelity, your spouse seeking change or it can mean nothing.

  1. Ask

Ask your spouse what’s wrong or whether he/she has anything to tell you. Don’t confront or prod or it can exacerbate stuff and make your spouse get into defense or fight or flight mode. If he/she tries to hide or don’t open up a nanosecond after you initiated conversation or questioning, give it time. Sooner or later it will have to be told. After all the two of you is a unit. If the change is for the bad like a demand for separation or divorce or a serious illness, then the interpersonal communication needs to be expanded – your parents, siblings and kids will have to be in the know for a support system and life changing decision making.

  1. You taking the first step in telling what’s new about you

One way you can make your spouse open up quicker and more comfortably to you is you giving the cue. You take the burden of telling whether you have changed or not. It can be something very minor like the new salad vinaigrette which you tried and liked. It will pave way for a discussion for more major things and an opportunity to understand each other’s changes and why. This will cement new understanding.

  1. Listen more than talking

Many people take pride in knowing their spouse that they don’t bother to listen to them assuming that they don’t need to listen since they know everything about their better half. Effective communication involves effective listening. When your spouse tries to convey something to you listen to them instead of cutting them short or interrupting halfway. A one sided communication is no communication. Worse, it discourages communication, especially interpersonal communication.

  1. Allocate talk time for just the two of you

This is perhaps the most crucial step to unmask poor communication in your marriage. Allocate some time daily for the two of you to indulge in interpersonal communication. Tell your spouse anything you feel needs to be told. It can be about your new hairdo or your blood test result. Also listen when your spouse speaks and respond accordingly. This way, you will understand your spouse better every day rather than just assuming that you understand then in the overconfidence that you know your significant other all too well, you simply cannot be wrong about them.

You would definitely assume or believe in a whole hearted way that there is no way communication can misfire or be misunderstood by your spouse whom you’ve been married to for years. But it can misfire. People didn’t say invest in your marriage instead of your wedding without eclectic wisdom. Marriage is a lifetime exercise and a lifetime of unmasked interpersonal communication is paramount in matrimony.